Calling My Self Home

This space I’ve taken up for
46 years 5 months 2 days
Entered the world
At the onset of a catastrophic flood
Which changed the course
Of this town’s history
To this day

I was not a quiet baby
My body suffering from inside, and
My mother’s stress and fear
We cried and worried
And my body,
My Self,
Was not a welcoming home

And, as I grew,
I learned, bit by bit,
From my cartoons, magazines, books,
Movies, music videos on MTV, ads,
Conversations had or overheard,
That my body was still
Not quite right

Too big
Too curvy
Taking up too much space
In too many ways

I learned to
Fervently wish and pray
For the plastic perfection of Barbie
(Please just let me wake up fixed!)

Society taught me to worship at the altar of
Body conformity – primarily,
Taking up very little space
It was good to want, relish the pain
Of an empty belly
To suffer to lose weight is to be
Closer to God

I am a quick study
And learned to hate this Self
This fleshy prison
Born of yo-yo diets,
Binging,
Medication,
More
And the hate grew into my skin,
Into my veins,
Into the cells of Self

Until I said No

More like,
Fuck no,
If truth be told

So now,
Slowly,
Deliberately,
I am calling my Self home
And letting her live in this house

I’m beginning at
46 years 5 months 2 days old

My home will be defined by
Me,
My goals,
My dreams

And,
If another flood is needed
To wipe clean the slate
I say
Let the drops fall where they may
I’d dance
To bring down this rain

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6 thoughts on “Calling My Self Home

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