Can I tell you something?
I honestly worry sometimes when things are going well. I start to wonder what’s coming. Or to second guess the progress I’ve made/am making.
Been working on this homework from my doctor where I identify what I’m feeling, sit with it, accept it with love, and then talk back to my extremely judgemental inner voice (she’s been kicking me while I’ve been down for like 40 years now), saying things like, “I might be feeling angry and disappointed right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m an uncaring bitch.” Or, “I may be dealing with depression right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m always going to feel that way.” Yeah, it really felt awkward at first and it feels incredibly awkward to try and describe it… But, it’s honestly helping, so awkwardness be damned.
Like today. Pretty good day. I’m almost done with 4 loads of laundry – all accomplished in 1 day, which is rare for me. Ate the way my doctor and I want me to. Tutored a smart kid and felt my brain muscles growing (AP Global & Chemistry, folks… ). Hung out in the sunshine reading a bit. Wrote a post for my writing group…
But, I’m feeling incredibly isolated and lonely: like the world is Noah’s ark, people paired up, 2 by 2, and there’s me. I know very well that I’m not the only single person in existence. But it made me think of being married and some of my longer relationships – even in the imperfect parts, there was comfort because I was a part of something. There was a belonging.
Yes, yes, I know – I have read so many times that you have to love and accept yourself before you can be in a loving relationship.
And I’m trying a new online dating app… Lol. No one lives here! Or, if they’re anywhere near here, they’re super into running and gym memberships (and note that female responders better be, too), or are very conservative, or very into high heels and thigh highs… Good goddess, could I just move to a more urban area where the diversity is a skosh improved?
Well, for the time being, going to ignore the blues, laugh at some of these profiles (as they’re surely doing at mine), and see if I can dial up Dumb & Dumber on the tv.