Hold On

The day after World Suicide Prevention Day (September 10th):

I can’t sleep. Was tired, slept in late today, almost drunk with exhaustion tonight… And I can’t shut my mind off.

There was once a time when this would be a start of 1-3 days with no sleep, plus rapid speech, bad decisions, overreactions, not paying attention…

I know I have things on my mind right now. I know the mania is pretty well managed. I’m working on it. I’m practicing skills I’ve been taught and going to see the doctor or the therapist every week. I’m taking medication, working with a nutritionist on my eating disorder and have gotten better at balancing my blood sugar – which also helps balance my moods.

I’m working on seeing myself as more than just a person living with Bipolar.

But, 6+ years ago, I checked myself into a hospital because I was a danger to myself. Thoughts of suicide were incessant. I was taking handfuls of sleeping pills, hoping to not wake up. The depression was so convincing – I believed myself to be completely without value, a failure, a burden to my family, estranged from all who knew me, and that I just needed to cease existing. I would sob uncontrollably in my apartment, curled in on myself, hopeless. I railed at the God I was taught about throughout 16 years of Catholic school – where was he when I needed him?

I have lost track of the times I’ve attempted suicide, but it’s miniscule compared to the number of times it’s dogged my thoughts.

It was only because my parents forced me to move home, move in with them 5+ years ago, that I’ve gotten to where I am now. I’m still working – but I don’t see suicide as a real option any more. I can’t stand the thought of how it would affect others.

I had to hit bottom to start moving up. There’s still room (lots) to grow, but I’m holding on. I’m here to ask you to hold on, too. No good decisions are made late at night. People do care. Call a friend, a family member, a crisis line. There is also a crisis text line if you’d prefer to text. These lines are private and confidential.

Just hold on, ok?


21 thoughts on “Hold On

  1. I still wake up at 330 and 4 am. I’m deep into depression lately and it’s just so hard to do anything. I’d trade my teeth for a bit of mania right now because depression is terrible. I am so tired of the song and dance. In tired of the meds not working 100%. It’s just too much.v

    1. I hear you. I still have these periods and yearn for mania, for anything to alleviate the depression, but by working with my doctor and therapists, I’m experiencing fewer of these. It’s freaking WORK – which is frustrating and sometimes I’m mad and yell about it not being “fair.”. But lots and lots of my friends and family are affected by crap that isn’t fair – cancer, Lupus, Crohn’s. I don’t remind myself of that for any reason other than trying to keep myself grounded and not doing the whole dance of comparing myself to other people and feeling like I’m always coming up short. You’re doing a great job – realize that, give yourself credit. Then do whatever you need to in order to manage your mental health. πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

  2. I’m not sure I can hold on much longer. Ever feel like it’s simply out of your hands and out of your control? I admire you though for how far you’ve clearly come. I don’t have bipolar and can only empathize and try to imagine how difficult it must be to exist with.

    1. I have felt like that – sometimes still feel like that – before, when I really felt alone, I called my therapist, I checked myself into a hospital. Now, I still contact my therapist, but also reach out to friends – just a couple whom I know will respond positively and encouragingly. Sending you love and support. πŸ’—

      1. That’s something I’ve always struggled with …checking myself in when I’ve needed to. It’s usually been done for me when things got out of hand 😦

      2. Yeah. But that’s not the same as having someone actually there. I’m not into messaging and texting either. I’m not like the rest of my generation in that sense.

      3. Looks like you’re headed out of a sea of drama. I wish you all of the best. You can do this. Make sure your landlord knows you’re leaving bikes – take photos and email them to him and the current roommates. They actually don’t have the right to let others use your room unless you aren’t paying rent – if you’re on the lease and are paid up, then you’re doing a kindness to let anyone use your room. I only read the last 2 posts – I’m going back to sleep, but it definitely sounds like you’ve been dealing with passive-aggressive personalities. I’m sorry for it, but you’re a strong woman – you weathered the storm. Here’s to a good trip to England. Is that home?

      4. I was born in England, but neither country is really home. It’s Def the lesser of two evils though. I have 2 close friends there. Lucy and Jo. I have my mum and Trump can’t hurt me anymore or put my status at risk thank you so much you’re right. Unfortunately many millennial folks seem to be cold and passive aggressive and I’m done with roommates, although the lady whose room I’m renting out in England is my mum’s age and a friend of a friend so hopefully it’ll be a good environment for both of us

      5. My mom is actually British. She moved here as a child. I wish you the best. Stay strong. Sometimes we do minute by minute, until we can do hour by hour, until we can get to day by day. I believe in you.

      6. Thank you. Has she adapted to living here? Almost 15 years on and I really just can’t. It was fine when I was married to an American, we had mutual friends and I was somewhat stable. U;n totally lost here now

      7. Mom came when she was about 10. So she’s been here almost 60 years. I know she’s said my Granny was not really happy living here, but Grandad seemed to adapt ok. I like the idea of living in England – but I’d miss the US terribly. There’s nothing wrong with that.

      8. The US is your home, of course not. I’m not even remotely bashing it either or saying one is better than the other. I don’t fit in anywhere really,”but I can at least make friends a bit easier in the UK and Trump can’t hurt me

      9. I wasn’t reading it that way – no worries. I agree – Trump and his cronies are terrifying. I have a cousin who’s transgender and, for me, she was only “normal” after I met her as a woman. Growing up (and looking back in hindsight), she was an awkward boy and and even more awkward man. As a woman, she’s happy. She is herself, has some friends, and seems far far happier than she ever did as a he. I don’t doubt she wrestled with body dysmorphia and self-loathing, but therapy and work (sucks, but it’s been my experience that I couldn’t expect my therapy sessions to fix me – I was given things to practice and I’ve had to do them). I’m still working on that, myself – all of the practice, but I can’t stand being unhappy anymore.

      10. I’m just seeking peace and quiet contentment tbh. I’m 36 and not getting any younger. It’s now or never. Wasted enough years.

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