The day after World Suicide Prevention Day (September 10th):
I can’t sleep. Was tired, slept in late today, almost drunk with exhaustion tonight… And I can’t shut my mind off.
There was once a time when this would be a start of 1-3 days with no sleep, plus rapid speech, bad decisions, overreactions, not paying attention…
I know I have things on my mind right now. I know the mania is pretty well managed. I’m working on it. I’m practicing skills I’ve been taught and going to see the doctor or the therapist every week. I’m taking medication, working with a nutritionist on my eating disorder and have gotten better at balancing my blood sugar – which also helps balance my moods.
I’m working on seeing myself as more than just a person living with Bipolar.
But, 6+ years ago, I checked myself into a hospital because I was a danger to myself. Thoughts of suicide were incessant. I was taking handfuls of sleeping pills, hoping to not wake up. The depression was so convincing – I believed myself to be completely without value, a failure, a burden to my family, estranged from all who knew me, and that I just needed to cease existing. I would sob uncontrollably in my apartment, curled in on myself, hopeless. I railed at the God I was taught about throughout 16 years of Catholic school – where was he when I needed him?
I have lost track of the times I’ve attempted suicide, but it’s miniscule compared to the number of times it’s dogged my thoughts.
It was only because my parents forced me to move home, move in with them 5+ years ago, that I’ve gotten to where I am now. I’m still working – but I don’t see suicide as a real option any more. I can’t stand the thought of how it would affect others.
I had to hit bottom to start moving up. There’s still room (lots) to grow, but I’m holding on. I’m here to ask you to hold on, too. No good decisions are made late at night. People do care. Call a friend, a family member, a crisis line. There is also a crisis text line if you’d prefer to text. These lines are private and confidential.
Just hold on, ok?