Tenacity 

Tenacity

You had to admire her, I mean, how many times had she poured pills into her own mouth beyond the point of gagging, and yet her body still woke up the next day? And how many times had she visualized running her car off the road, off of a bridge, into an abutment, and yet she somehow didn’t? And how many times did she binge on food, sleep for days, hook up with relative strangers – and yet she remained among the living? If you didn’t admire her, then maybe fate and its tenacity that she WOULD survive.

I suppose if we were to give her marks for tenacity, we’d have to say that her will to live willing out – even when she, herself, emotionally and intellectually, wasn’t sure she wanted to – was damned tenacious.  
Hospitalization, over and under medication, misdiagnoses, therapists who were there more for themselves than for her, the one who talked secretly to her husband and refused to share info and told her hubby to do the same, the therapist who, even though she signed releases, refused to tell her parents anything useful, group sessions with lots of rules – which were unwritten, but known, and she could not ask what they were – she just had to learn (god damn cults…). 

In the last 4 years she’d had to confront the fact that she’d been running for years, that there’d been no way her folks would or could have known until she lived with them the full extent of what it was to be a person living with Bipolar Type I Disorder (should she check and make sure this doctor agreed it was I and not II? Did it matter at this point?), that the thing she was most humiliated by (having to move home – admit she failed – be seen as ?) had actually saved her life more effectively than anything else she’d tried prior, and given her a life in reclaiming herself as some kind of an artist, writer, teacher… person who could, more often than not, be depended upon, cared for others, tried not to let home become a prison cell… 

Hell, you at least have to give her tenacious for trying – to build resilience, move beyond the basics of living, being ridiculously honest with herself, even when that was a painful proposition. It takes a brave person to look in the mirror, beyond the lies you tell yourself or which others – family, “friends,” exes, media – so generously give to you, and to really SEE, while seeking True Self and value, a reason to Be, inside of there. It’s not an easy road nor, regardless the stories told by memes and self-helpers, is it a quick one — but, it’s worth it, if you’re tenacious enough to try, as, looking back, you might realize, as she did, your life is so very worthwhile.

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