Deep End

I jumped into the deep end in thinking about himJust because he arrived 

Unexpectedly in my life

Truthfully 

Rearrived 

Though we did not really know each other 

At all

As children
Here he arose

Full of wisdom and spirituality 

Travel and experience 

Fairly open-minded

Busy, but not too busy

To have lunch

Or now talk on the phone
But I was stupid
I wanted god to have sent him to me

As divine answer to the

Farce that was internet dating

To the pain and old wounds 

Ripped open by an idiotic man

Who told me I got him hard

But he didn’t understand why

Because I was far too fat to be attractive 

To him
I thought maybe god was rewarding 

Me

Stupid me

But rewarding me for 

Telling that guy to just fuck himself

And for not lowering my standards 

Just to avoid

Being alone
I thought maybe this time

Here was a man

Of intellect and more

Whom I’d never expect 

And is not my type

And maybe that’s the lesson
The definition of insanity is

Doing the same thing over and over 

And expecting a different result 
So here was proof
Something

Someone 

So different 
But he doesn’t want me either
And I’m really getting sick of being told

By girlfriends who are married 

That I need to be ok with being alone

And love myself 

Before the magical “he”

Will arrive in my life
I’m sorry 

Love you,

Appreciate the support,

But your encouragement from

Inside the sheltering arms of your beloved

Is making me choke
Fuck the deep end
I think I’m going cliff diving instead

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6 thoughts on “Deep End

  1. Hey Jen—energy jumps off these words where you are so alive in your writing…..you put it all out there, the realness of your life…..these lines: “And I’m really getting sick of being told

    By girlfriends who are married

    That I need to be ok with being alone

    And love myself

    Before the magical “he”

    Will arrive in my life”—–yeah, exactly as you react to them……something totally inauthentic to be giving advice from your different place of “comfort” to how somebody uniquely themselves will be able to leap the fence to your social place……not equal, not really listening and reacting with caring/compassion….not sharing from what is truly frightening or difficult in their lives….which would make a balanced interaction…..and to hell with people who don’t do this….i know i have very little time i want to give to such advice-offerers and your reaction strikes such a true chord——making your writing true to life, alive, real….keep those emotions firing, it makes fine reading!

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