Unsubscription

I am unsubscribing
to the pointless drama
and the lifelong
tensions of he said/she said
why didn’t you
I did what I was supposed to

I’m tired of feeling like
I’m unloveable because you’ve got these ruts –

these patterns of how you do things, because you’ve never left, or well, who knows why – it doesn’t really matter – it’s got to change

Because some people have people
who build them up,
and don’t get me wrong,
mine can do the same…
but I lived in lots of elsewheres
before returning here
and those elsewheres made me into a
non-standard Jen,
a non-standard Upstater,
which means that vacations
and holidays
and, well… barbecues and birthdays and sometimes just any given
Thursday
can be utter fucking hell for me
for this Sekella

My different-ness, the Me that I’ve built over these
44 plus years,
is what I love about me

That includes the broken parts
the tawdry parts
the ugly bitter sometimes really fucking angry
nasty cursing bitchy parts

It includes the artist, the scatterbrained
unorganized amazing with ideas
creative person
who loves children and animals
and yeah,
sex and drinking at times,
and chocolate… and baths and hot tea

But, I’m unsubscribing to the bullshit folks

Because in order to subscribe to my life
and to me
to build me up and build my artistic vision
my freaking empire de Jen?
That requires dedicated subscription that needs renewal
regularly – sometimes a couple of times a week –
sometimes several times in a day

And I’m the only girl,
woman
sexy goddess of the crazy set
who can do it.

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