Movie Montage 

It was our senior year
Of college,

A year of lasts, but oddly,

Some firsts for me

I had lost weight over the summer

And was smaller than I had been

In years

Too bad I didn’t also lose

My insecurities

And shame,

My conviction of being

Unloveable

 

I was invited to parties,

I could comfortably wear

Tight jeans,

I had younger guys

Hitting on me

I had Him, and he was

Kind, funny, slender, had great friends,

And actually seemed to adore me

 

The Other… was kind of funny,

Totally self-absorbed, fat,

Had judgmental friends, and

Couldn’t really care less about me

 

I, of course, sought out the Other

More often

And regularly went back and forth

 

He sang “Low” by Cracker,

Was my editor,

He guarded the bathroom door

At The ‘Shire so I could pee,

He took me to a play

At the firehouse,

His selfless caring

Scared me spitless

 

And I rejected Him,

Over and over

 

And, over and over,

I returned to Him

 

Because that Other

Was worse than being alone

 

I loved Him,

Was inflated with pride

As he gave our graduation speech

On “sprezzatura”

 

After graduating,

We went to a wedding together

I knew myself for a fraud

And ran that summer…

 

When I later got raped

I ran all the way to Alabama…

 

Three years ago,

I finally moved home,

And he found me once more

But, I simply could

Not

Would

Not

Ruin him again,

Hurt him

In any way

 

But again

And again

He calls to me,

The things we didn’t do,

Didn’t say,

The lost opportunities

Call to me,

To us…

 

I hear “Low,”

I read of “sprezzatura,”

Autumn makes me melancholy and

Full of remembrance

 

The movie is still unreeling

The film not yet cut

I cannot tell

If we shall seize the day

Or if the day

Has turned to dust

 

Tempus Finem

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