Might Haves…

I’ve often wondered
where my life might have gone
if I had been smart enough
to fall for you
like you seemed to fall for me
back in college.

You saw things in me
that I did not see –
beauty and desirability –
but I was just bound and determined
to be treated like shit
like the less than worthy
woman that I
believed myself to be
for so so so many years.

Why couldn’t I have somehow
taken a dive into the pool
of your eyes – that pool
that saw me as real,
as valuable,
as exquisite –
and shed the skin, and years
of seeing myself as fat,
ugly, useless,
trash…

Could I have avoided years of
men who treated me
like a cum dumpster (not my phrase)
and discarded me just as quickly
as their erections faded?

Could I have avoided all or most
of the scars I now bear
almost like war wounds
from verbal and emotional
battles with assholes
who always put themselves first?

Could I have avoided
the married guys,
the narcissists,
the overly old,
overly young,
perpetually stupid,
and asinine?

I sometimes think
back to the times we spent together,
and though they were not perfect,
they were and are certainly
poignant,
and give me hope that
I will someday find another man
who has those pools inside him
that see me as beautiful –
as I see him – we can reflect
one another.

Because I’ve finally gotten to where
I want more –
for him, and for me.

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