Learning Curve

Somewhere along the way
After knee socks and my
Uniform jumper
Wearing Miss Piggy bathing suits
And sitting high in an old
Pine tree that was sometimes
A princess’s tower
And sometimes a jungle hideaway
Saving me from flowing lava
And jungle cats
When I could spend hours
Daydreaming by the side of
A tiny creek
Of fairies, talking frogs, and
Magic

I lost my way.

I became no one
Nothing
Transparent or, more accurately,
Fill in the blanks.

I voluntarily absented myself
From
My Self

Looking for boys, men
To fill me up
Finish me
Define me
Give me worth.

I gave over everything
Essentially me
About me
In order to pretend without believing
That this person
In this moment (because
It never lasted)
Loved me
Cared about me.
I let him, them, direct
Who is Jenni today
Even if (when) that meant
I hated my own self.

I allowed too many hims
To get in my bed
In my body
In my heart
Though they shunned me
In day’s light.

I agreed with them, of course,
That I was worthless.

But then,
In the darkest pit
Alone
Dancing with death as if in
Holy Matrimony
I found my end.

I do not choose to be here
Any more.
Fuck.
This.
Shit.

The road has not been smooth
The path has not been pretty
It still ain’t

But I am becoming
Beautiful

Because
I am filling myself
With my own
Self

And I think
I might just love me
After all.

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